This is going to be GREAT............................................

And so it begins, just like every other time. I am so excited because I've found an activity I know Robbie will enjoy. It is for special needs children. They will be patient with us. I am excited. I am prepared. This is going to be great.......................................
Robbie comes home from school and I tell him he is going to go swimming. He is excited. He puts on his bathing suit. We get packed up. We drop his sister off with Dad at lacrosse practice so it will just be myself and the 2 boys. We're on our way. Robbie is excited. He talks about swimming. He mentions the animals we are passing as we drive through farm land to get to the Pemberton campus of BCC.  He is "on"  today. He is present. This is going to be great. We pull into the campus. To me it looks a bit run down but Robbie says "it's beautiful." We finally find the sports building. He gets out of the car. "Come on Mommy, Come on!" Robbie yells as I unload the stroller, sleeping baby and the large bag filled with the appropriate items needed for this endeavor. We make our way into the building and ask where the pool is. We are directed through the women's locker room to the pool. As we enter a wave of heat hits us. It is hot in the pool area. I look at Robbie- he doesn't seem to mind. The pool is huge. Robbie is smiling. We're a little early for the 5:30 special Olympics swim team practice. I see a mother and son on the bleachers. The boy is slightly older than Robbie and playing with an Ipad. I know he is part of the team. His mother asks her son to introduce himself to Robbie. He does and asks Robbie what his name is. Robbie does not respond- which is common when he is asked a question. I reply" his name is Robbie" to which the boy says, " I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to him." Oh yes- he is on the spectrum and that makes me smile. "You're right." I reply. "Do you want a turn on my Ipad? " the boys asks Robbie.  I explain to Robbie that he needs to answer questions when someone asks him. He is not paying attention to me. He is looking around the room and looking at that pool. I tell him we have to wait. Waiting is hard- as Daniel tiger says on the PBS kids show that Lexi loves to watch. Yes- waiting is hard.  The coach is in the pool giving private swim lessons to the brothers of the boy we had just been talking to. She acknowledges us and tells us to wait where we are. Robbie is sitting on the floor by the pool so I tell him he can dip his feet in. She tells him he needs to sit on the bleachers. I feel badly because I had thought he was ok were he was. Unhappy, he returns to where I am sitting. He says he needs to go to the bathroom and walks towards the ladies locker room, where we had come in. The other boy yells "hey you can't go into the girls room." Robbie is embarrassed, I think. I usher him to other side of the bleachers to the men's locker room. When he returns to the bleachers the life guard asks for Robbie's shoe size for flippers. I am thinking- No way will he put them on.  To my surprise , he does put them on- even though they are pink. We find his goggles, so he is prepared. We wait.  The coach tells the kids to bring their flippers and goggles to the other side of the pool. Robbie refuses. She comes up to him and asks if he would like to swim. He says no. Her assistant says "come on buddy, let's go". He says no. He yells no swimming in the nool. yes I wrote nool. I hug him and quietly say "Robbie , it is a pool. Don't you want to swim?"  "No , no swimming in the pool mommy. " I decide if we watch the session, maybe he will feel more comfortable. He sits on the floor. He inches his way closer to the water. He decides he wants to go over the team and see what they are doing- if I come with him. He picks up his flippers and I grab the goggles and we're off. Timmy is sitting in a onesie in the stroller because it is so hot his face is beat red. I keep an eye on him and walk with Robbie. We get his flippers and goggles on and just as he's about to get into the water I notice Timmy slipping down in the stroller. I walk back toward him because I don't know any of the parents well enough to ask for help. Robbie sees me walk away and tries to run after me with his flippers on. The coach , then yells "Mom, he can't run in flippers." Both things set him off and I know it's over.  I grab Timmy and come back over to Robbie. I make him sit with me close to where the team is practicing. They swim laps. They do the crawl, breast stroke, back stroke. It is beautiful. 5 boys, 4 on the spectrum. 1 with downs syndrome, who comes over to Timmy, looks him in the face says "what's up little dude?" to which I burst out laughing. These boys are happy. They are listening to the coach and her 2 assistants. They are swimming. Robbie is not happy or swimming. He leaves the flippers and goggles and walks back to the other side of the pool, where the stroller and our pile of stuff is. I follow. We sit for a bit longer, but now he is pulling at his bathing suit asking to take it off. His butt showing , more than once. I realize it is time to give up. I was told at the end of the 45 minutes session they get 15 minutes of free swim and I had hopped that would entice him into the water. The water is his happy place. It always has been.
We go into the dressing room and he changes.  We thank the coach and she I decide to talk later to come up with a plan to help Robbie feel more comfortable. On the way out I notice a large flat screen television showing the pool mounted to the wall. I show Robbie who says "It's beautiful."
I ask him if he wants to come back and he replies "No mommy. I don't want to come back. No come back, no come back. Robbie's house. Watch Despicable Me." This is repeated 10 more times.
I am going to try private swim lessons with the coach to see if that helps ease the anxiety. At least that way he gets to swim. I am hopeful it will, but you never know.
 So Again, I wonder. Is it worth the struggle? Does it make Robbie happy or cause undue anxiety? Is getting Robbie involved in an activity really about Robbie or is it about me?  Maybe it is me, wanting Robbie to have something, so I have something with Robbie. Maybe it's me wanting to be a parent sitting on the sidelines, proudly watching their child , with the other parents who are doing the same. We've tried basketball, soccer, gymnastics, yoga, bowling, horse back riding, karate, swimming, all special needs programs. Should I give it a rest? Maybe I will, after we try that track and field program that begins in late April I've heard so much about....................................