I refer to the television series Parenthood in many of my blogs. I love the show, but it also pulls at my heart strings in ways other programs can't. My sister in law warned me to have tissues ready for this last episode- which I DVR'd because 10pm is way too late for this mommy. The issue this family faces is their son beginning to understand he is different from the other kids. He has Aspberger's and is in that preteen stage where life becomes more complicated. The other kids are making fun of him and in this episode he explains that one urinated in his canteen on a class trip and called him a freak. He tells his parents that all the kids hate him and laugh at him- even the nice ones- and he doesn't understand why. As tears stream down my face I of course , think of Robbie. Right now we are in a good place. Robbie is 8. He is in a self contained classroom with other kids that are similar to him. He does not have any interest in team sports or after school activities like his Nero-typical peers. he has a schedule and he follows it. School, ABA at home, social skills and the occasional trial of an additional activity. Today we will be going to the Special Olympics swim team to see how it goes. (Fingers crossed)
For those children who are higher functioning on the spectrum, life can be incredibly hard. Kids are mean. We've all been though some sort of teasing or bullying at least once in our lives. As a parent, there is nothing harder than watching your child suffer.
This episode also got me thinking about Robbie and our battle to keep him in his current school. At least there- he is with those who are similar to him. If he returns to our home district, he will be the only one. Yes there are other special needs children and others on the spectrum, but none who are as severe as Robbie. Our home school spoke about integrating him with the regular kids for specials- as they have limited resources- and it would "benefit" Robbie. My question is would it? Would he be the target of bullying or teasing? As he walked down the halls saying "eeeeeeeeeee" and wringing or flapping his hands, what would other kids do? As he continues to grow and does become more aware of his differences, how would being the only one help? My hope for Robbie long term is for him to develop friendships. Even one. Some support system other than his family. Whether or not this will happen, who knows. I know I am dreading adolescence and all that goes along with it. Once again, we are lucky. On Parenthood the boy , Max, does not like touch or hugs. Our little boy can't seem to get enough hugs some days. So again, I hold him tight and tell him " I will always hug you, I will always kiss you, I will always love you" at least as long as I'm allowed!!
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Such an interesting post - I've definitely understood more and more that a mainstream environment is not "least restrictive" if there isn't support for every area of our children's lives, and that social isolation has to be examined as the counterpoint to time with NT peers.
ReplyDeleteThis week's episode of Parenthood: I have such a love - hate relationship with this show. I love the increased visibility, but hate when it oversimplifies (which I know has to happen in all narratives to keep things moving forward) which it sometimes does to the degree of things feeling "wrong" (although I have a hard time being critical because they are, at least in some part, portraying another's journey, which I have to respect). I hate when it gets things right, and it's very emotional.
I had a specific problem with a part of this episode. The portrayal of the parents' reaction in the car on the way home, and maybe this is too picky of me, but it's been sticking with me. When Max was upset and his Mom climbed into the back seat, it really bothered me that they had her hug him despite his protest that he doesn't like to be touched (twice). She hugged him anyway, and then they cut to the Dad driving in the front seat, struggling with his own emotions. Camera shots and character's actions can say as much as dialog, and in that moment, I just felt like what Max felt, needed, wanted, was being trumped by the feelings of his parents. This is not to say that the mom of an Aspie boy doesn't sometimes hug him when he doesn't want it. I just felt that sensitive, knowledgeable parents, like the Bravermans, would have found a way in that moment to express their love and support in a way that Max could, on a sensory level, accept.
It also bothered me that she violated his personal space with (albeit loving) touch after he clearly, verbally, set a personal boundary. The notion of consent is concerning to me, both in modeling that someone can violate consent for their own emotional needs, and that he would have his own consent violated on top of that whole ordeal.
I know we all do things to (I hope gently) expand our children's comfort zones. We do this for their own reasons (he might want to be more physical in the future, and appreciate that he's acclimated to finding out he can handle more contact than he originally thought). We do this for society's reasons (we know it's not fair that the world works in a way that is incongruent or counter to our children's typical state of being, but we know the world changes slowly or not at all), and sometimes even our own reasons (that stiff-shouldered awkward hug still feels better than not hugging them at the moment).
It just bothered me because I felt like Max was still in a crisis mode. It's as if the show presented, in that moment, that what Max 'really needed was a hug'. I feel like it's such a struggle both in the family, and in public, to give our kids what they NEED, not just what they want, but also not just what society or us as adults want either. I hope that struggle with that scene makes sense to anyone but me.
And I know it's picky to wish for better from a show that often does well, but this has been sticking with me apparently, and have wondered if anyone else felt the way I did. Yeah, and lots of tissues here as well.
Thank you so much for your comments!! I really appreciate your perspective. I would imagine you have experience in this area and I will say- as far as Asperger's - I do not. I do think that as a parent we put the needs of our children above our own- most of the time. However sometimes our needs have to be met as well. -At least that is what I took from the Parenthood episode. The Mom just wanted/needed to give her son a hug because as a Mom- that's what we do. The situation was heart breaking and possibly for that moment she couldn't think of any other way to respond. The situation becomes even more complex as Max states he doesn't like to be touched. And sadly, for TV purposes - it probably appeals to a wider audience , who wouldn't understand why she wouldn't have given Max a hug. Just my thoughts- not always happy with some of the show as well- but still love it! Thanks again!!!!
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