Firestarter

 This weekend I had the opportunity to slow down and relax with my kids. My youngest and I watched a lot of movies as he wasn't feeling 100%. One of them was the remake of Stephen Kings Firestarter. The little girl in the movie has incredible powers- she starts fires when she's angry. Today- Robbie reminded me of her. His anger generally comes from 2 places - severe anxiety and when he wants my full undivided attention and at that exact moment I am unable to give it to him.  A combination of  The Hulk and Firestarter begins.  The cursing, the grabbing , the pushing, the "angry face" and then - sometimes the hitting. Luckily this aggression is geared towards me- his mom- his safe space.  You can see it in his face when it comes- yet it's taken a long time for me to figure out the cause.  Sometimes I can deflect it quickly- other times- it needs to run its course. It can be jarring to witness- especially if you haven't seen it before.  Robbie is 6 feet tall and 240 pounds. He's strong- he can pick me up and I'm not telling anyone how much I weight. 

The aggressive behavior comes and goes. When Robbie was 10 he used to bite. At one point I had some awful black and blue bite mark on my arms. Thankfully - it was still cold enough to wear a long sleeve shirt. Generally , Robbie is what I consider-  a gentle giant. He is sweet and emotionally immature. He watches " happy" movies. Toy story is his absolute favorite- all 1-4 - but he'll tell you Toy Story 1 is his favorite.  He doesn't like sad or scary movies- yet like any curious child will watch Final Destination, Halloween, and Cast away - Tom Hanks might be the draw in Castaway- he is Woody after all.  He will tell me how scary or sad those movies were. He will tell me how happy the time machine movies are- Meet the Robinsons, Mr. Peabody and Sherman and Free Birds- " all the different time machines."  These make him happy. The struggle is expressing frustration and anger in a constructive way. As the girl in Fire Starter - things get burnt. 

The goal I am working on for  Robbie is to find successful coping methods which will ensure he can manage when I'm not able to take care of him. To harness his powers- like the super heroes do. The girl in Fire starter looks at objects and names them- clock, mantle, television- to calm her. Robbie uses- "counting the fingers" and breathing- to calm him. Just as with the girl in Fire Starter- sometimes this technique works, sometimes it doesn't. So while I wait for the home based therapy to restart-  I reflect on today.  There was severe anxiety. My house is getting painted. The windows were covered with this Dexter like wrap- making you feel a little claustrophobic. As the paint was sprayed, things got dark- due to the deep blue the kids and I chose. Most of the painters did not speak English. You could hear them talking to each other- but could not understand a word. I was asked to move my car, so they wouldn't get any paint on it. At that exact moment- Robbie came downstairs. He was agitated and wanted me to come upstairs with him. I explained , as calmly as I could, that I needed to move my car and would be available in 2 minutes.  2 minutes to someone on the spectrum can be an eternity. He did not accept my answer but agreed to come with me to " move the fucking car." " I hate the car. Fuck you. Oh no- I'm so sorry I said a bad word. I didn't mean to say a bad word. I love you. Do you love me? I hate you. I am making the angry face."  And so it goes. Until it stops- with tears and a "sad face" - expressions of regret and apologies. 

All of this reminds me of my house. The before, during and (almost) after of painting. How we all go through life- constantly trying to improve- whether its a process, how we handle situations or emotions- or just general upkeep. As a parent, I'm here to help Robbie control his Fire Starter Hulk behaviors and learn to incorporate behaviors that keep him calm and happy- like painting the old dry mustard color house to a deep calm blue. It's a process and I'm here for it - because I'm his mom and I love him no matter what.