" I got you... You got me?"

 

“I got you- you got me?”

50 times a day- “ you got me mom? Mom do you got me? Mom, I’m trying to focus- you got me?”  Reality of Autism- repetitive comments.  Sometimes it comes out of nowhere.  “Mom I’m watching a movie- you got me?” Other times it is specific- “I’d like to make a movie- you got me?”  “Mom, my face is hot- you got me?”  “ Mom, I’m exhausted from talking, You got me?”  I don’t remember where the phrase came from- although I know with 99% accuracy – it came from a movie.  Movies are familiar. Robbie will watch them so many times- he can recite most of the dialogue. Movies don’t require work. They don’t expect anything from him. He can get lost in his movies. They are one of his happy places.  I don’t think I truly understood the importance of movies until watching one like Inside out. That movie did such an amazing job at characterization of emotions- literally turning them into actual characters. They have colors and facial expressions and are easy to understand.  This is extremely helpful for those on the spectrum who have trouble understanding which facial expression goes with which emotion. Something most of us don’t ever have to think about. Robbie will tell me when he’s smiling- which is actually hysterical because he contorts his face into the largest- toothiest grin you’ve ever seen.

Another reality of Autism. Lack of empathy. A huge concern I have for Robbie as he gets older is the complete lack of empathy.  In his world -many times -he can’t see beyond himself.   I can’t say he is selfish, he just can’t see that far.  As I feel sadness or grief about one of my best friends who is battling cancer- he can only express he is sad. The reality is – he is not sad or empathetic of my sadness- but he needs my attention to be directed towards him. That causes him anxiety. Honestly- some days- I am annoyed. I want to scream- “No- you are not sad – I am sad.”  But I know that will never help- only cause anxiety.  I also worry- that he will never truly have a relationship- in the sense that most of us have. While he has friends- the emotional depth is not entirely there.  Maybe it will spare him the grief of worry or loss, but will he ever experience the joy of true friendship and love?  All I can say- and all those that support him in school can say is- “ I got you Robbie. I’ve always got you” Because right now- that’s the best and only thing we can do.