What is it like?

What is it like to have a son with autism? All I can comment on, is what it's like having Robbie as a son. Each child on the spectrum is very different- that's why it's a spectrum. Robbie is in the body of an 8 year old- a big 8 year old- but socially and emotionally he is somewhere around 4 years old, maybe. I won't lie- this can present somewhat of a problem at times. His meltdowns can appear bigger- and sometimes are bigger because of his size. He does not always know his own strength and many times doesn't understand how his own body works, moves etc. For example- many times Robbie slams door shut but really doesn't mean to- he just can't connect the dots between his force of action and what it will do. This disconnect appears through out his life. He knows his name is Robbie Hummel- however if you ask him what his last name is- he can't answer. He doesn't understand the question- one that school and home therapy has been working on for weeks. The irony is as the end of the school year approaches he will most likely "Master" this skill, only to lose it during the 2 week gap he has between the regular school year and extended school year. Robbie will be going to summer school for 6 weeks- which may seem awful- but necessary. He thrives on routine and needs constant reinforcement.
While Robbie has made tremendous gains in his speech and language he still has a robotic tone many times. He also gets stuck on a topic or movie line. This past weekend we explained we were going to his cousins house to swim in their pool. For 3 hours leading up to this event we heard " let's go, swim in the pool. I want swim in the pool. Come on let's swim in the pool. I want swim in the pool" etc, etc, etc. Of course to be fair that was almost matched by his 5 year old sister asking " Are we there yet?" the minute we entered the car and consistently for a large portion of the ride.  One of the hardest parts for me right now most times is listening to Robbie attempt to verbalize a story or situation. Tonight at dinner he was upset as he attempted to recap the timeout he received at school. While I know it was warranted, hearing him explain using his 3-4  year old verbal skills was difficult.. "Miss Kim yelled Robbie go to time out after threw green block. Go to time out Robbie." in tears. - Robbie always speaks in the first person regarding himself. He will not say I or me- it's Robbie. He has also started to complete tasks that he wants me to see- like making his bed or putting his clothes away- which is wonderful- and after I say " Good job Robbie" He will say- " yes it is a good job Mommy, yes it is a good job Mommy, Mommy yes it is a good job." using a Dustin Hoffman rain man tone. Bittersweet- it is. He also decided to "do laundry" over the weekend and poured bleach on his rainbow blanket. Then noticing the washing machine had clothes in it- decided to put the blanket in the dryer- with the other colored laundry. Yes- it was awful. He did admit to the mistake and seemed to understand when I showed him the bleach stained laundry- not to do that again with out asking for help.  Big boy task- which could have happened- and I 'm sure has happened in other households.
 He has begun to play a little with other children when we venture to the lake. This is a huge positive- however he will only "play" with children much younger and generally seems to prefer girls. Not to play any type of girly games- just the opposite. He likes to be chased and have squirt gun fights and swim- but with those who present no threat. Those who are too young to understand that he is different and are on his level socially. He has begun to understand that he is different and even started to verbalize this. All I can say- "you are perfect."  And again I am left wondering- what will adult life look like for Robbie. I am skipping puberty in my mind because- good god- it's an awful time for everyone! When Robbie says "don't leave me Mommy"- which he says often- even when I leave the room. My response is " I'll never leave you Robbie- you are stuck with me forever." and this may be true. An old friend came to visit recently and she asked what type of facilities there are for those like Robbie as he grows up. Of course I have thought about it- sort of- but honestly always imagine him home with us. He's 8 years old. I was definitely taken back by the question. Few have been that direct. But again all I can think is " I am never leaving you Robbie. You are stuck with me forever."  who knows what the future will bring for my boy as he grows. matures and perhaps will want a life of his own? For now- I look at all three of my children's beautiful little faces and can't imagine them anywhere but here- under our roof, in our home, sleeping soundly in their beds. ( Who am I kidding- sleeping anywhere- as long as they are sleeping.)