A Family's Journey- and the death and the dying

For Robbie - getting old, gray hair, sickness,  death and  the dying, as he calls it,  is a huge cause of anxiety.  Let's be honest- it is for everyone.  On Thursday January 18th, I got a call from my dad- who rarely calls me. My mom and I spoke almost daily- so there was never a need to. But on this day my mom had ,what they thought was a stroke.  After a few minutes of processing I left work and went home to pack. I assumed I would be gone for a few days- as they are 6 hours away. That visit turned into 2 weeks.

During that time it was determined not to be a stroke but Bells Palsy - which can stem from an upper respiratory tract infection. This happened while she was getting treatment for the lung cancer that ultimately took her life . So now- hospice starts, additional home care is added. Myself, my sister and my brother rotate our visits to ensure someone is there along side my Dad as we watch my mom fight through her last few weeks.  Fast forward 6 weeks - she passes away. It was too quick and also too slow.  My last visit ended Monday March 4th.  She had told me she loved me March 3rd. Those were  the last words she spoke to me. Before I left on the 4th, I told her I loved her, I'd see her soon and I was ok. I know she worried about me.  She looked me in the eye and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. The call from my Dad came the morning of the 6th. She had passed during the night on March 5th.

During that time and  the months prior, I spoke with my children about the circle of life. This was especially important to Robbie. As he refers to it - you are either young and alive - or old , death and the dying.  With autism things are black and white while many of us see shades of grey.  I laugh as I write that sentence -  Robbie will tell me the minute he sees the new growth of grey hair on the top of my head- a sign to get it colored immediately. He prefers his mom with her "yellow hair".  He does not like seeing anyone age.

There is so much else I could write about the experience of my mother's passing but things always come back to the perspective of my Autistic son. Currently, he talks about his other grandparents. They are younger than my parents, which brings him comfort.  Young and alive, as Robbie says. As I try to remain positive and not talk about the process of - the old, death and the dying it feels like its all around. It's not even working in Hospice care myself but seeing so many friends lose parents. Seeing friends battle cancer themselves. And recently telling one of my best friends she's not allowed to be that sick yet. At 50- we are too young, and selfishly- I can't bare to lose her. Young and alive. All of this is perspective.  So moving forward I am going to try and stress to my 18 year old son , who sees life through a very different lens - even as we grow older- we are alive and there is so much to look forward to. Young and alive, old , death and dying- grey hair or yellow hair- as he prefers to see mine.  This is our journey and its a beautiful thing :)

But damn- I miss my mom .............