Firestarter

 This weekend I had the opportunity to slow down and relax with my kids. My youngest and I watched a lot of movies as he wasn't feeling 100%. One of them was the remake of Stephen Kings Firestarter. The little girl in the movie has incredible powers- she starts fires when she's angry. Today- Robbie reminded me of her. His anger generally comes from 2 places - severe anxiety and when he wants my full undivided attention and at that exact moment I am unable to give it to him.  A combination of  The Hulk and Firestarter begins.  The cursing, the grabbing , the pushing, the "angry face" and then - sometimes the hitting. Luckily this aggression is geared towards me- his mom- his safe space.  You can see it in his face when it comes- yet it's taken a long time for me to figure out the cause.  Sometimes I can deflect it quickly- other times- it needs to run its course. It can be jarring to witness- especially if you haven't seen it before.  Robbie is 6 feet tall and 240 pounds. He's strong- he can pick me up and I'm not telling anyone how much I weight. 

The aggressive behavior comes and goes. When Robbie was 10 he used to bite. At one point I had some awful black and blue bite mark on my arms. Thankfully - it was still cold enough to wear a long sleeve shirt. Generally , Robbie is what I consider-  a gentle giant. He is sweet and emotionally immature. He watches " happy" movies. Toy story is his absolute favorite- all 1-4 - but he'll tell you Toy Story 1 is his favorite.  He doesn't like sad or scary movies- yet like any curious child will watch Final Destination, Halloween, and Cast away - Tom Hanks might be the draw in Castaway- he is Woody after all.  He will tell me how scary or sad those movies were. He will tell me how happy the time machine movies are- Meet the Robinsons, Mr. Peabody and Sherman and Free Birds- " all the different time machines."  These make him happy. The struggle is expressing frustration and anger in a constructive way. As the girl in Fire Starter - things get burnt. 

The goal I am working on for  Robbie is to find successful coping methods which will ensure he can manage when I'm not able to take care of him. To harness his powers- like the super heroes do. The girl in Fire starter looks at objects and names them- clock, mantle, television- to calm her. Robbie uses- "counting the fingers" and breathing- to calm him. Just as with the girl in Fire Starter- sometimes this technique works, sometimes it doesn't. So while I wait for the home based therapy to restart-  I reflect on today.  There was severe anxiety. My house is getting painted. The windows were covered with this Dexter like wrap- making you feel a little claustrophobic. As the paint was sprayed, things got dark- due to the deep blue the kids and I chose. Most of the painters did not speak English. You could hear them talking to each other- but could not understand a word. I was asked to move my car, so they wouldn't get any paint on it. At that exact moment- Robbie came downstairs. He was agitated and wanted me to come upstairs with him. I explained , as calmly as I could, that I needed to move my car and would be available in 2 minutes.  2 minutes to someone on the spectrum can be an eternity. He did not accept my answer but agreed to come with me to " move the fucking car." " I hate the car. Fuck you. Oh no- I'm so sorry I said a bad word. I didn't mean to say a bad word. I love you. Do you love me? I hate you. I am making the angry face."  And so it goes. Until it stops- with tears and a "sad face" - expressions of regret and apologies. 

All of this reminds me of my house. The before, during and (almost) after of painting. How we all go through life- constantly trying to improve- whether its a process, how we handle situations or emotions- or just general upkeep. As a parent, I'm here to help Robbie control his Fire Starter Hulk behaviors and learn to incorporate behaviors that keep him calm and happy- like painting the old dry mustard color house to a deep calm blue. It's a process and I'm here for it - because I'm his mom and I love him no matter what.

The Spider-Verse

We went to see the new Spider man movie yesterday- myself and all three kids. It's an animated movie which shows multiple spider people- in multiple universes - all co existing- yet helping each other- while not even realizing it. I had a few realizations as we watched and I'm going to try and put them on paper - but it is a lot. 

Nicole Kidman comes on screen - pre movie these days- to talk about why we love movies. I'm attempting to paraphrase her dialogue- as it was so on point with what I'm about to write. "We all need this. The lights dim, we feel the sound, the emotion- takes us to another place."

I often wondered why Robbie is so obsessed with movies. Recently we changed his treatment plan to include a Psychiatrist. One of the first things she mentioned was that Robbie's sensory system processes very differently than most of ours do. Things are much more amplified. Sounds, smells, touch, taste- its all much more intense- or sometimes muted for him. This is why after a school day- he's mentally and physically exhausted. He needs his down time- to recalibrate.  This is something I am aware of but it does help to be reminded- especially as there is pressure to get him involved in activities outside of school- and outside of the home. He will start an activity - seem to love it- and suddenly not want to participate any longer. Buddy club, soccer, boxing, bowling, swimming- the list is endless. The one thing that had been consistent -and he always seemed to enjoy - was home based ABA- Therapy- which stopped around Covid.

 But back to movies- It makes sense to me for Robbie to love movies- it takes him out of his own racing thoughts and emotions and allows him to get into something else. This new Spiderman movie was so visually stimulating- for me - over stimulating- colors and shapes- a million things on he screen at once.  The emotions- happiness, fear, sadness, anger- its all there.  For Robbie- the most current struggle is expressing his emotions- or really even understanding them. The rest of us can articulate these things- or we go to therapy for help : )  He's growing up- which scares him. He gets frustrated and angry- which upsets him. He loves  his family -which calms him- for a minute. He wants hugs- just gently - but frequently. He needs to take slow deep breaths often. He speaks in small, short phrases. This was from this morning-

I'm tired  

I'm feeling better

I'm watch a movie 

I'm a watch a movie in my room

I'm tired 

I got a little frustrated

I feel better

I feel happy

I'm sorry I told you to shut up

Are you happy

You can't be happy

Robbie- it's ok to feel frustrated. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to feel happy.  As one of my best friends pointed out to me- I am currently going through a similar range of emotions. After years of pushing down feelings so you can simply survive - it's suddenly a unique experience to feel everything. It can be overwhelming. The multi Spider- Verses - were overwhelming for me, but maybe for Robbie, he finds comfort in the escape. Shutting everything down- while eating his favorite food - popcorn and drinking his favorite drink - sprite. In a big comfortable chair- with his mom and siblings next to him. He knows he's safe. 

Two of my favorite lines from this movie-  the first from one spider person to another- 

                      " You and me-" "We're the same- in the most important ways."  

This is so true- we all have emotions, need friendships, love and to feel safe- it can just look a little different - for all of us :) 

From the mom to her son-

"Wherever you go from here, you have to promise to take care of that little boy for me. Make sure he never forgets where he came from. And he never doubts that he's loved. And he never lets anyone tell him that he doesn't belong there. You have to promise."

   Robbie- I 've got you - you're safe here and we'll figure it out - together- along with the ABA therapist, home counselor , psychiatrist, neurologist  and primary care physician -   No one person can do it all- not even Spiderman :)