Somedays I hate Holland

Welcome to Holland has been one of those classic pieces of literature shared through the years to those with special needs children. I remember reading it for the first time back in 2008, and thinking- Holland sounds beautiful. Yes, as it states Italy would have been fun, with tons of opportunity, but Holland is different, yet beautiful. Fast forward and today at least, I am feeling a bit differently. Holland has become painful, both physically and emotionally. As my husband stated " sometimes I hate Holland." Recently one weekend was a beautiful snowy winter wonderland. The kids were all so happy to put on boots, hats, gloves, etc to get out in it to play. For Robbie, his excitement began the minute he woke up. He was ready to go. His contentment was short lived however as he gets cold and he refuses to wear waterproof gloves. He gets frustrated extremely easily and refused to go sledding, walking in the snow or anything that was suggested to him. Honestly, the bulk of this weekend he spent screaming in his room, after getting frustrated over......... We have no idea what, and trying to hurt his parents and destroy his door. The day seemed endless as our 2 little ones ( 7 and 2) just wanted to play, both outside and in. Robbie, however ,was miserable. There are many layers to a family. One of the hardest for me is the look on my little girls face as her brother screams, kicks, bites, etc. Lexi is a very sensitive soul already and for her , watching or hearing these outbursts causes a lot of emotional turmoil. Being in Holland makes us feel trapped a lot of the time. Lately regular family outings are difficult to impossible. A few weeks ago I took Lexi and Timmy on a road trip to Massachusetts to visit my parents and sister. Robbie went to his other grandparents for a quiet weekend with them. The trip would have been too stressful for him and the one on one time was really good for Robbie , yet it was sad not to be able to take all three. Medications have been helping a little, but again it's sporadic and yet to become long lasting. Rob attempted a trip to the mall with Robbie recently. It began with a pleasant lunch only to end with screaming, hitting, throwing clothes on the floor and as you can imagine- a lot of uncomfortable glances or faces in horror watching the behavior unfold. Leaving was just as difficult. Robbie seems to change his mind every minute or so. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I know this a temporary stage, but as I look at my bruise covered arms and think about the panicked expression on my daughters face as she watches Robbie's behavior escalate, I can only pray this stage is short lived. Monday brings a follow up at our pediatric neurologist who is discussing different medications. I look forward to exploring new options and as always am hopeful to get some peace for my poor boy. I know this is harder for him than us. Still, it would be nice not just to go but to take him to Italy. Where he could experience a less complicated existance. And just be..........comfortable in his own skin.