Ebbs and flows.........

When someone hits you with the full intention of doing you bodily harm, it hurts. When it's someone you love not only does it hurt physically but emotionally in a place deep down inside. Imagine the person harming you was your child. Robbie has always been a kind soul. Sensitive and loving. As I may have mentioned in another post, the aggressive behavior has really thrown me for a loop. On one hand I understand the frustration he feels. I had a dream/ nightmare a few weeks ago. I was in a strange yet familiar country. I was trying to get home. I asked for help, but no one could understand me. They simply walked by. I ran in what seemed like circles yet could not find my way. I became scared. So scared that it woke me up. I felt for Robbie more deeply than ever at that moment in the middle off the night. Yet, when he becomes violent, I have a hard time feeling for him. At times the outbursts are as simple as " no you can't watch this movie upstairs because it's a blue ray. Our blue ray player is downstairs, you can watch it there. On the bigger TV." Hitting, kicking, scratching. I'm fairly sure he stopped listening after he heard no. Things have improved from changes in medication. The third SSRI ( selective serotonin retake inhibitor) or medication used to treat anxiety , we've tried seems to be helping. The meltdowns are less frequent but no less violent when they do occur. Lexi said " Robbie never hits me, so I can help." That is another conversation entirely. The meltdowns come quickly and I am never fully prepared. School reports have improved and behavior in school has evened out. At home we still are struggling to get a handle on how to manage the outbursts when they happen. This weekend I have done exactly what Robbie's new behaviorist has suggested. Completely ignore it. Much of it is for attention however this weekend it seemed to intensify as I ignored. Sorry to my neighbors because as I ignored the yelling and went to take out the trash Robbie followed me and screamed the entire time. I will also say it is hard to ignore someone who is hitting you. That being said I do agree it's hard to handle but I hate it when strangers say " I don't know how you do it." I will tell you how I do it, I am his mother. I will always love, protect and nurture him, even in the times I may not like him. Even in the times when I am having a tough time managing his behavior. Even when the frustration makes me cry and want to hit something myself. And yes , it is hard. It does make me feel for my own mother. I remember how angry and hateful I was as a teenager. Even now I don't really know why I behaved that way but I do know , I was awful to her. Now being on the other side I do want to say , thank you Mom. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I made it very difficult. That's what I am trying to do now. Just be here. Just be here, especially for the moments when Robbie , grabs my hand, looks me in the eyes and says " Mommy I love you." As he just did.