Robbie, I'm scared...........

Robbie, I'm scared. Robbie, you scared us.  I've written about hearing the phrase "Mommy, I'm scared" in the wee hours of the morning (1am, 2am, 3am) Friday night was one of those nights. Robbie is often plagued with anxiety.
Saturday night it is us who are plagued with anxiety and fear for our son. Besides anxiety, Robbie has many sensory issues. At times he is very sensitive to touch. He'll say " ouch- you hurt me" if you brush past him,gently grazing his arm. I'll think- I barely touched you. At times he wants to be touched lightly. He'll ask for tickles on his back or  a little hug. At other times he needs added pressure. A weighted blanket or a deep bear hug. Communication has improved ten fold yet there are still times when we don't know what he needs. He can be sensory seeking to regulate himself. As he approached me last night with the balloon ribbon wrapped tightly around his neck panic set in. At that point he wanted it removed and he could still breathe yet it was hard enough to remove safely that I yelled for Rob, as calmly as I could, and ran to get scissors.  Rob removed the ribbon and we both looked at each other, tears in our eyes remembering an incident a few years prior. Robbie had climbed onto a built in desk in the playroom. He had wrapped the cord to the blinds around his neck and gotten stuck. Again he was not at the point where he couldn't breathe but it was extremely scary. Here years later, just as I have been commenting on how much more control we have with Robbie's sensory issues, it has happened again.
To be perfectly clear, Robbie did not want to hurt himself. He may have had the sensation of " spiders crawling on him" as he tells me sometimes. He may have needed a really tight squeeze from head to toe. We don't really know.
To be perfectly clear, we were all right there. Rob and I had just finished watching a movie in our family room and all 3 kids had been playing in the kitchen. Our house has that fairly open concept and there are many views from the family room to the kitchen. I could hear them. Most of the time I could see them. My attention gravitating between the movie and Timmy , the 19th month old toddler. Yet never did I expect the need to keep that close of an eye on my almost 9 year old.
After the fear subsided a bit, I think there may have been a bit of yelling. Rob explaining to Robbie that he can't do that. It is dangerous. It's a bit of a blur.  After receiving the scissors back from Rob, I froze. I remember clenching them tightly in my hand so the sharp ends were safely hidden from the other children.
Robbie ran to his room. He was upset. This was not the first time he'd run to his room today. That is how he handles being disciplined or hearing something he disagreed with. He is, after all, almost nine years old. Rob went up after him a few minutes later. I put the scissors back into the cabinet where we keep them hidden so Robbie doesn't cut  his own hair, as he's done one too many times. I also went upstairs to check on Robbie. Rob was exiting his room as I entered and I noticed it felt cold but dismissed it until Rob explained Robbie had opened his window all the way up. The screen is not childproof, the warning written right on it. His bed sits up against the window. Again a situation that could have been disastrous, but thankfully was caught in time. As I curled up with Robbie I said " I'm not sure what to do"  to Rob, referring to the window incident. Rob mentioned screwing the windows shut. Maybe we'll rearrange his furniture again, was my thought, but we'll figure it out tomorrow. I held Robbie extra tight. I looked at him, wiping the tears from his eyes and said  "Robbie you scared me. You scared us. We love you. You can't wrap anything around your neck. It's dangerous."  We laid their for a few minutes and discussed watching his favorite movie , Big Hero 6 on the "big tv, downstairs." I didn't want him out of sight as I prepared dinner for the family. While downstairs he pointed to his Big Hero 6 balloon that had floated to the ceiling asking if he could have it. I told him we would take the string off it but he could hold it. He put his hands to his neck and said " sorry mommy, I love you."
I love you too Robbie. I was scared. I'm not always sure what to do. Please try to tell me what you need so I can help you.
As I wipe the tears from my own eyes, that is my wish and my hope. Robbie will be able to communicate his needs. He will be able to self regulate, safely and appropriately. He will have the ability to control his stimming behaviors in public. He will be happy. He will be safe. He will always feel loved.