Robbie and I had a conversation a few days ago- which prompted me to write this blog. " Mom are you happy? Your mom is in heaven. Do you miss your mom. It was a long time ago - when I was a little kid. " ( see picture in blog) but he went on to say -" I'm sorry about the yelling and it's my fault. I'm sorry you're not my dads wife anymore. Are we still a family?" Of course it wasn't your fault and we are still a family. Our family looks differently than it did a few years ago- but sometimes that happens. I love you. Your Dad loves you. I miss my Mom but I am really happy.
I really miss my Mom. It may sound ridiculous to say, of course I miss my mom. What I didn't expect is the gravity of the loss. The anger and feeling of separation from the family closest to me. The love I have for my sister and brother - there are no words. They have been a constant source of support throughout my life and especially throughout the journey of our mothers sickness and death. Yet - it has been challenging for all of us to feel connected in the way we always have. Maybe because of the loss of our mother- the glue that kept our family together. Maybe because we can no longer complain about how harsh her comments were- and yet always true - lol!! We all just miss her. The intense emptiness of missing my person- the one I could confide in. The one who - literally- was always so annoyingly right. The one who supported me the best way she could through a difficult marriage and helped me through a painful divorce. I miss her.
What happens when I find my new person? I wish I could talk to her. I want her to meet him. I want her to know I'm ok. Of course- being honest- there is always the voice in the back of my head regarding Robbie. He will be with me- long term. Special needs children are with you in a different way than other children. Robbie won't go off to college, or meet a spouse and have a family of his own. He will have his own life, but it will not be without unique challenges. This is something she used to say to me- and I would get so angry- yet again, she was right.
Tonight - yet again Robbie asked me if I was ok. Do I miss my mom. Your mom is in heaven. I am here for you Mom. After reassuring him that I am happy and asking how he is feeling- His response was perfect- Everyone loves me- the teachers - my Shawnee teachers- they say I'm the best. I am happy Mom. My Gama is in heaven. Which makes my heart so full and is completely true. : )
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