Bittersweet

Bittersweet, that's the best way to discuss my feeling as of late regarding Robbie. So many things are going so well. Medications seem to have extinguished the violent behavior and we have our boy back. He is able to escape from the grasp of his own mind and be truly present. He has begun bowling with a social skills group. We have been able to take family trips to different locations- baseball games, different movie theaters and the mall. Some of these excursions are last minute and thankfully Robbie has been able to roll with the punches. He might even laugh at that phrase instead of melting down because he thinks of the literal meaning and insists he's not " rolling with the punches". Sometimes I think the sky's the limit. But..... There are other times I worry about his future. Robbie has been asking how to spell words and phrases. He loves to write, however lately he has been struggling to remember how to form some letters. The g in Lego for example. He becomes frustrated, and rightfully so. Tonight he was watching me clean the thick film of pollen from our window sills. I had a wet washcloth and at one point I asked him to get a dry wash cloth for me. A simple request. There is a small basket filled with them in his bathroom. He paused. I repeated the question and explained where he would find them. He returned with a soaking wet towel. I brought him into the bathroom and showed him what I was requesting. It seemed to make sense but again how frustrating. Later as I folded laundry in my bedroom he laid on my bed clinging to his baby blanket and teddy bear. He was lying on a pillow he had taken from his sister because it was "comfy." I watched him. All 105 pounds and 4 foot 10, hugging his teddy, throwing his legs in the air, attempting to cover his long legs with his baby blanket. Next year his class is "graduating" from 4th grade to 5th grade. This is considered a graduation because the students typically move to the middle school. It is bittersweet as well because Robbie will not be moving on with his "friends." They are all separating into different classes. His best buddy is moving to a more advanced classroom. One that is not right for Robbie. Another is also moving to a higher level academically than Robbie could handle. A third is moving to yet a different class. The last of the 4, I am not sure. As the boys go their separate ways it is a reminder of how many others have begun in class with Robbie and ended up in a mainstream environment as well. This is not in Robbie's future. I am at peace with that fact- most of the time but have to admit , at other times it still fills with me sadness. The uncertainty of his future. It is a different uncertainty than that of his sister or brother. Not a question of if he will go to college or not, or which sport he will excel at. So again bittersweet is the word I choose to use. A little bitter at times, but mostly sweet as my "little" boy is nothing but- sweet.